Kiwis Corner

For almost two years now I’ve sat silently and done nothing (except comforting her) while he lies and lies to to her and hurts her really badly. For two years now I’ve tried to keep my anger inside on her request. A couple of weeks ago I finally said something to him. I told him how dissapointed I was in him for doing this, that I had hoped and hoped for him to overcome his fears and difficulties and be able to stop lying.
I know that he’s not well. He has been through ALOT of bad things, and gets pretty much ignored by the psychiatry for some reason. But so has she. The troubles they’ve had in their relationship has not only been his fault.
But enough is enough. If I have to, I’ll chain him to the wall in my basement so he won’t hurt her anymore. Or the other girl, who fortunately has seen much earlier then my friend what he is really like. I hope she is wise enough to keep away. Far away.

I wish I was mean and violent. I would break in to his apartement and smear poop all over his furniture. I would pee in his computer, puke in his refridgerator, leave the fridge open and turn it of to ruin all the food, turn on the taps and block the drains, smash his car and burn his books.
But I’m not mean and violent. I’m not very stong or brave. I’m not even very mean at all.
I’m just small and upset and sad. I love her. She is my best friend. And I can do nothing.

It’s true. It takes my friends away. Or, it did when it was new to the market. I still wonder how my relationship survived those first critical months since WoW was launched a couple of weeks after we started dating. Probably becaus we lived in separate cities and I’m good at entertaining myself. The fact that Nidde is great most of the time probably helps too.
   When I first moved to Uppsala I got to know a few people. But then WoW came, and they just didn’t have time for IRL interacting anymore. They had to raid and go on quests with their guilds and level and farm gold and get mounts and stuff. So I was pretty lonely again. Thank God for Hoffa, and Nidde. And Emma, who I studied with. But she moved away and became a glass maker instead.
   I thought that WoW was more or less down to acceptable levels in my life. The most addicted friends had slipped away in to their addiction, Nidde has pretty much come out on the other side- the occational raid every now and then but it’s harldly even once a month now due to work and friends and other games. But then my best friend got to know this girl. Who bought my best friend WoW. And now my best friend doesn’t have time for me. She hardly even answeres SMS (texts) anymore. She says she wants to see me and talk to me, but when I try to contact her she doesn’t reply. I guess she’s busy when I’m free, and is free when I’m at work. Last week I went to visit her and look at the baby rats (who were adorable, ofcourse!). We had had trouble finding a time that suited both of us since I had my sucky week when I work evening and day every other day and I think I had a doctorsappointment on my free friday. Anyway. When me and another friend came, the WoW-friend was there. Wich would have been ok, had they not been playing for half of the time I was there.
   I truely sincerely hate WoW. It really does take my friends away from me. True I have made new friends- but that doesn’t matter! I miss her! It was supposed to be her and me against the world! And now she’s gone. I hope she comes back soon. Some times I wonder if I did something wrong. If I hurt her somehow that I don’t know of or if she grew sick of me and uses WoW as an excuse. Most of the time I know (?) that that’s not true.

If you read this (my best friend, you know who you are <3), don’t be sad if I don’t call or text very much. It’s not encouraging not to get responses. But when you feel ready and have gotten over this infatuation, call me. I’ll be here, waiting.

Ok. So I’m in pain again. Not very uncommon since it’s me we’re talking about. I have my joint-problems, but they’re manageble most of the time.
But yesterday my right heel started bothering me. Since then, I woke up during the night becaus of pain. The inside of my right heel is swollen and I can barely touch it due to pain. On this foot I will have to walk all day. If it gets to bad I will have to call in sick from work. But I can’t call now, becaus noone will answere.
In horror I’m looking at the day I have ahead of me. Go to work- 7min walking (I’ll take the bike-maybe that’s not as painful). Walking the dogs- 30min minimum. Going to the library and the store- probably about one houre. Another dog-walk if my clients daughter have to go to school early (she often starts after lunch and takes the dogs out around 11am wich means I don’t have to do it again before we leave for rehab this afternoon). Going to rehab- 20min of walking. The next assistant will trade with me at rehab, so then I’ll bike home and feel sorry about myself.
That’s not including the making lunch, coffee, laundry etc I have to do.

I’ve taken an ibuprofen, but as you know, when you want to remove the foot due to pain it’s not very much un-prescribed  painkillers can do. FEEL SORRY FOR ME!!!

I know. I should write more happy stuff. Whatever.

Tonight is a bad night. It started out good with semla with Lina at Linne, and then Tango with August. But at the tango there was a girl who we talked to a bit, and we started talking about salsa. And so now I can’t let the past go for tonight. August came home with me and we wached Sweeny Tod. It was great! But then he left to go home and sleep (poor thing has been moving today) and I read an e-mail from my mom telling me about my sisters new prom dress. She graduates soon.
And I never got to go to prom. Partly by choice- since noone started a prom commitee I did. But then I got kicked out by some girls who just came in and took over since my ideas weren’t good enough becaus they weren’t the way it had ALWAYS been done. And partly becaus I didn’t have a dress. When we moved to Luleå my moms friend offered to make my prom dress. She is a very talented seemstress, so I was very happy. But then she didn’t have time, and I couldn’t afford to get someone else to make it since I had only saved the money she wanted (wich was material costs) and becaus of my bossom I can’t just go out and buy one since nothing ever fits.
I feel like Cinderella in the story that ends with her sitting home due to lack of dress since we all know magic doesn’t exist and mice can’t sow, while one of my evil stepsisters marries the prince to live happily ever after while I keep on scrubbing pots and pans ’till I get old and die. My sister is really sweet and I want her to have a wonderfull time. It’s just that I want that for me too.

And I can’t stop thinking of Lazaro. He’s living with Teresa now (so much for those promises of pure and platonic friendship), and they have moved to Dillen. I hope The Dillen Boys krushes his knee caps and makes him handicapped and miserable forever.
Hopefully he’ll get all the anal sex he ever wants from Teresa without causing her pain and making her bleed. But hey, we all know that anal sex without lube and warming up is the way to go! Especially if the reciever has never even heard of it before you try to stick it in the wrong hole!
The hard part is that I wish her no harm. She was only 18 when she met him, and I suppose he either treated her differentky from how he treated me (I hope so) or she hasn’t had the awakening and possibility to break free that I fortunately got after only two years.

I suppose I should make this one of those password protected entrys, but fuck it. As fas as I know there’s only two or maybe three people reading my blog anyway and they would have gotten the password. Let the world know my misery.  

I’m in an emotional rollercoaster today. Unfortunately with more downs then ups. The day started bad with some kind of cramp in my knee. Odd, never had that before. Took about half an houre to get rid of. Could finally go back to sleep. Odd dreams. Nuclear bombs, snake bites, fight in a church, everything was just fucked up.
Alarm went of, got out of bed. Hungry, but couldn’t eat. Talked to August a bit. Finally able to eat, a cinnamonroll, a couple of mini bananas. Life sucks. Surfed the web. Took a shower. Didn’t help. Work in 30 min. Have to eat. Probably another roll. Hot food disgusts me today and I’m out if fruit and yoghurt.
Boss called, staff meeting nex tuesday. Good, we’re gonna talk about who does what etc. Will get a chance to tell my bitchy collegue how it is. That I’m not lazy- but I can’t do things in a place where I’m not. I can’t clean the apartement if we’ve been out all day etc. But she thinks I should. Does she know something I don’t? Can she stop time, or clone herself?

Need to get dressed and eat that roll now. I don’t want to. Wish I could stop eating, maybe then I could loose some weight. But I know that’s a bad idea so I won’t. I promise. I hope you have a better day then me.  

Someone stole my bike. DIE A PAINFUL DEATH YOU WORTHLESS SCUM!

I will start with the sad thing.
Hickory died today. She passed away silently after her surgery this afternoon. I was sad when Snork passed on, but I will honestly miss this darling more. After Madam she was my favourite of all of Linas rats. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write this. Good bye Hickis. You were a great rat. I hope to see you when I get to the other side, and that you won’t have forgotten me by then.

 
Otherwise I’m fine. We had a great day in Hamburg yesterday. I’ve seen so many beautiful houses and wiews, visited so many shops and once again my feet hurt when I got home.
At about seven we had dinner at a great pizza place, and then we went to Reeperbahn. It was quite beautiful with all the neon lights. But there were sexshops and tittie bars every where. Really. Every third sign advertised some kind of sex-buissnes.
We went in in one, called Boutique Bizarre. It was really really nice, and the staff was very good. I got some new clothes for Dekadance (so now I can go again), and a dildo. The G2 from Fun factory, in turquoise. It is now named Heinrich. I just have to wait ’till I’m in the mood so I can find out if he is as good as he is claimed to be.
Earlier that day I got some really nice Absinthe too. I’m very much looking forward to tasting it!

Today we just stayed in Bergesdorf. We needed a nice and relaxin day. We took a walk through town. Juliane needed to get a pair of shoes to the shoe maker, and I needed warm stockings for tomorrow. We also went to a store that sells knitting-stuff and I bought some really nice yarn to make a scarf when I get home. The color is fantastic, and it’s amazingly soft! I also bought Cuandole, so now I don’t have to go shopping anymore if I don’t want too before I go home. Just the sausages for Nidde, but that will have to wait ’till last minute.

Tomorrow is the Deine Lakaien concert, and after it we’re going tangoing. I hope I get to dance some, I love to tango!

One shoudn’t watch sad movies and write e-mails that reminds one of sad stuff when one are abroad with noone to hold them.
So now I’m sitting here all emo and alone (Fionna and Juliane are sleeping since they are getting up EARLY to go to work tomorrow) and wanting to go home. And Nidde blew me of on MSN becaus I asked him about how he is. And since he’s really frustrated with work and he told me some of it he had to log of and think of other stuff before breaking another key board. I didn’t have time to tell him about my emo-ness.
Atleast the moon outside my window is very pretty.

I’m 24 and I just ran away from home for the first time. Lina says that when you’re an adult you don’t run away- you take a break. But it feels like I ran away. But I had to call in sick from work, and I was really really upset. I don’t know what to do. I really need to talk to Nidde, but before I can do that I need to calm down some more or I will end up in a crying, shivering pile again.
Tomas I talked to Nidde and told him I’m sleeping at Linas place tonight. But it worries me that I haven’t heard anything at all from Nidde. Do I have something to come home to? Does he want to solve this or does he want to break things off becaus I’m acting like a crying emo kid? Can I really be sure that he’s not mad at me?

It’s sad that I’m missing the dinner with August, I was looking forward to that. But I’m really in no state to be nice and social. But maybe I can call him later when dinner is over and ask him to make a cuddle pile with me. He’s god at that.