Kiwis Corner

A short update on my life, wich is extremely un-interesting most of the time. But I guess some of you are interested in what happends in my life anyway.

Sighsten passed away a week ago. I came out in the morning to feed the boys and he was laying stiff and cold on the bottom of the cage. I think that his immune system was low since he was so very very skinny, and probably got something that his cage-mates could handle. I’m calling the vet on monday (it’s been closed over christmas and now it’s the weekend) so they know I’ll be coming in to get him cremated. He’s on the balcony wrapped in a towel. It’s so cold out that I haven’t needed to put him in the freezer.
  I’m not sure that Gunnar has a tumour, but I don’t know what the lump is. It doesn’t feel like a tumour any more, over the last few days it has turned very very hard (most tumours are a bit spongy). At least it doesn’t seem to hurt.

We’re finally moving on tuesday. I’m looking forward to getting it done. I hate the packing and un-packing but it will be nice to have a bigger place, with a room for me to withdraw to when it gets to noisy. Niddes friends are louder than mine, most of the time. I like them, but some times I get overdoses of sound. 

I’m thinking about calling the psychiatrist again. I’ll wait some more since I hope it’s just temporary- but the nightmares has returned and I’m back to thinking about what would happend if I met him, what I should do if he turns violent and things like that. It really really sucks, it was so nice NOT to have that in my life, and finally feeling like I might be strong enough to go back to Gotland to see people. But as I said- I hope it’s just temporary and that it will go away when the stress from the holiday and moving goes away. 

Ikea tomorrow. We’re buying a shelf for the bathroom, nightstands and frames. L and P are coming too, it will be nice. 

So I’m back home again. Feels good to sleep in my own bed, on my own pillow under my own cover.
It was wonderful to see my friends in Bakersfield again, I loved San Diego Zoo and Sea World, Las Vegas was crazy and The Blue Man Group was incredible! I can’t wait ’till my brain has slowed down so I can start sorting out particular memories from the crazy, tangled pile they are in now.

It’s good to be home with my friends again. But I miss you Kadin. We had so much fun!

Apparantly I’m at odd ends with someone withouth even knowing it.
   I found out when an aquaintance called my boyfriend to apologise for not inviting us to her party this weekend, but having us there would have been to stressful for the girl who helped her fixt the party- and whom I apparantly have an argument or whatever with. Also interesting is the fact that I do not get to know why we are supposed to be mad at eachother. Heavens know I wasn’t mad before today and I still ain’t. Sad, dissapointed and confused yes. Angry no.
   I guess I should call the person in question and ask, but I really don’t feel like it. This isn’t the first time. I thought we had grewn out of that state and had come to a place where we could act as adults and talk to eachoter even though we’re not the kind of friends who hang out alot and call eachother all the time. But this kind of thing I felt was something we could talk about like grown ups. Guess I was wrong.

Dear reader. If you are ever sad or angry with me, please tell me so that I know. It might just be a misunderstanding, maybe we could talk about it and have it over with. Maybe not, but atleast then I know we’re at odd ends. 

I just read afew pages in a blog that belongs to a friends friend. The blogger in question is a swedish male in his 30s living in a heterosexual relationship, and is blogging about parenthood and his first (and this far only) child who is about 1,5 years old.
Much of his thoughs about parenting seems to agree with mine.
I was raised in a loving family who believes that boys can wear skirts if they want to, and girls can enjoy building electrical gadgets and one should be encouraged to be who they are and do what they enjoy to be happy. I think most of that is pretty standard in sweden now days, but was probably still a little controversial in the 1980’s when I was born and lived my first six years.

Now to what I was thinking about more in particular.
In the beginning of september he got some diaper commercial in his mailbox. It wanted him to join the parenthood community on www.pampers.se, “a place on the internet where you can share your experiences of parenthood with other parents”. The only problem is that the makers of the community seems to have no clue about reality OR equality. It pretty much only targets women and their parenting role. Under the tag “me” you find ways of loosing the weight one gained under pregnancy, ways of handeling the pain during the birthing process and ways to prevent complications while brestfeeding etc. To find ANYTHING about the fathers role you have to clic the tag “My family and world”. There are two articles under that tag. Ome is written by an expecting father, and the other by somekind of “expert”. The one written by the “expert” talks about how the father has to choose how much he wants to be involved in raising his kid, and how he must choose wich activities he wants to be in charge of. The whole article has an air of “The mom is the main parent, and will take care of diaper changes, stomach flues and making nutritious dinners for the happy family. The father makes the money, and when he comes home from work he will teach the little rascals how to ride a bike and perhaps help with the math home work”. Ok, It’s ALITTLE more modern then that but still! Suzanne Dixon lives in Minnesota and is a medical doctor who specialises in obstetrics and gynecology. But parenting-wise she is still where the swedish people were in the 1970’s when women demanded more freedome and that the father be more involved in the kids.
I know no fathers around my age in sweden who has had it as easy as she seems to think the father should have it. When they come home from work the tired mother has practicly thrown the baby in the fathers arms to change diapers/feed/bathe/whatever just to get a few moments to them selves. That the father should stay home if the kid gets sick just as much as the mom should is so selfevident that it’s not even discussed (except maybe for when the kid actually gets sick and one of the parents has an important meeting and therefore can’t stay home this time).

I know I’m really spoiled since I’m a swedish woman. Sweden is the most equal country in the world and many things that women in some other countrys can’t even dream of are things that I take for granted.
And I get that Pampers wants to sell more diapers and whatever other products they have and therefor naturally targets the mother since in most countrys she is in charge of those things, but couldn’t they atleast pretend to care more about the father and his parenting?
What if a desperate single father (say the mother died around the time she gave birt as an example) found the page and needed guidance and advice and only foudn yoga excercises to strengthen the kegel muscles after birth? That would suck.

I’ve just skimmed through a pretty funny book. Or a very sad and depressing book, depending on how you see it. It’s called De övergivnas arme, wich translated to english becomes The abandoneds army. It was released in 1997, and it’s supposed to be a critical wiew on the dangers of RPGs and LARPs.
   If you are at all interested in the subject and have ever spoke with people who actually have this hobby you will quickly notice that the whole book is pretty much bullshit. It has a few valid points, such as: adults, talk to your children and let them know you love them. And: most people interested in RPGs are verbal, social and intelligent.

I promise all of you out there: those of us who play RPGs will not form an army and take over the world.
   Yes, there are some RPGers that are depressed. Some are outcasts in their schools and some are a danger to themselfes and others. But there are also very successfull buissnessmen- and -women. There are happy mothers, good students and even fil.dr amongst us. We do not want the dangerous ones with a weak sense of reality amongst us. But I seriously doubt that RPGing is any more dangerous then acting on a stage in a play. I’ve had more upsetting experiences during acting classes then during RPGing.

I did some research online a moment ago, and I found one of the authors’ blog. Aparantly she still gets TONS of mail pointing out the wrongs of this book.
   She also wonders why the swedish LARPs and RPGs are so filled with violence. Can’t we be more like a japanese cosplay meeting at a cafe in Tokyo she heard about where everybody dressed up in colorful suits and was happy and played for a while? It’s obvious that she either found some kind of kitten play-cosplay event or has no idea what she talks about AGAIN. Most of the characters people dress up like comes from anime series and manga. Most of wich are very violent. Even the very cute Kore ga watashi no goshujin sama!? (He is my master!?) has very violent fistfights, air soft-battles and a very high level of soft core porn.
Perhaps she would be happier at a furry/plushie-convention.

In the 11 years since the book came out it has not been re-edited. No information has been withdrawn or added. Yet she still lives on that book and that old -incorrect- information. She has as late as june this year published excerps from the book in her blog.
The only expertise she can claim in this area is that she is a drama teacher. I’m sure she’s a good teacher and a decent person. And it makes me sad that -after this blog-entry- I probably won’t have more energy to put on her. Wich means I won’t have the energy to contact and discuss with her. Also, I don’t feel like an elite RPGer, one of wich she wants to get in touch with. Also, I honestly doubt that it would make any difference if I so had a phd on the subject.

Well. Time to go to bed. It’s getting late, and I feel my mood sinking more and more. I just hope I get to sleep without nightmares and anxiety attacs tonight. 

As the title implies, I’m wondering. I’m wondering why we get new scheduals atleast twice a year at my job. I liked the last one. Why are we changeing again? I’ve e-mailed and asked.
But to me it seems odd.

It’s true. It takes my friends away. Or, it did when it was new to the market. I still wonder how my relationship survived those first critical months since WoW was launched a couple of weeks after we started dating. Probably becaus we lived in separate cities and I’m good at entertaining myself. The fact that Nidde is great most of the time probably helps too.
   When I first moved to Uppsala I got to know a few people. But then WoW came, and they just didn’t have time for IRL interacting anymore. They had to raid and go on quests with their guilds and level and farm gold and get mounts and stuff. So I was pretty lonely again. Thank God for Hoffa, and Nidde. And Emma, who I studied with. But she moved away and became a glass maker instead.
   I thought that WoW was more or less down to acceptable levels in my life. The most addicted friends had slipped away in to their addiction, Nidde has pretty much come out on the other side- the occational raid every now and then but it’s harldly even once a month now due to work and friends and other games. But then my best friend got to know this girl. Who bought my best friend WoW. And now my best friend doesn’t have time for me. She hardly even answeres SMS (texts) anymore. She says she wants to see me and talk to me, but when I try to contact her she doesn’t reply. I guess she’s busy when I’m free, and is free when I’m at work. Last week I went to visit her and look at the baby rats (who were adorable, ofcourse!). We had had trouble finding a time that suited both of us since I had my sucky week when I work evening and day every other day and I think I had a doctorsappointment on my free friday. Anyway. When me and another friend came, the WoW-friend was there. Wich would have been ok, had they not been playing for half of the time I was there.
   I truely sincerely hate WoW. It really does take my friends away from me. True I have made new friends- but that doesn’t matter! I miss her! It was supposed to be her and me against the world! And now she’s gone. I hope she comes back soon. Some times I wonder if I did something wrong. If I hurt her somehow that I don’t know of or if she grew sick of me and uses WoW as an excuse. Most of the time I know (?) that that’s not true.

If you read this (my best friend, you know who you are <3), don’t be sad if I don’t call or text very much. It’s not encouraging not to get responses. But when you feel ready and have gotten over this infatuation, call me. I’ll be here, waiting.

The other night when August came over we started discussing sexualities and different groups wiews on different sexualities. How some people will always claim they are discriminated against if they are not the norm, how some claims that you can choose your sexuality etc.
One thing I’m curious about is what it it that decides ones sexuality. Obviously it’s not something you can choose- if it were we probably wouldn’t have a gay community since it traditionally has been very taboo, atleast in the western societies. I would like to know, but some conciders it discriminating that it even exists research on the subject. But then, I would also like to know what decides ones personality, how memories are stored in the brain and alot of other neurologic/neuro-psychologic things.

Anyway, this disscussion had me thinking. How does one become a fetishist?
Is sexual fetishism someting that only exists in developed societies, or does it exist amongst nature folks as well? If it does, how does it work there?
Can one have a fetish (undeveloped of course) for something he or she has never encountered?